ike most Americans I enjoy reading the stupid shit people say in the comments section of yahoo articles.  As the newsmonkeys at yahoo push an hourly stream of human interest feces, internetters of all ilks try to win the the internet by inserting the most entertaining, shocking, insulting, occasionally insightful, and mostly short-sighted drivel into the conversation.  I’ve taken a moment to gather a few of them together to give these comments a final response.

These are from an article about how the Iranian Navy has stated they can and will close the Gulf of Hormuz if the US decides to restrict their flow of oil exports.  Here’s Bill from Salt Lake City, Utah:

Semper Fi Kenny. And most of you are correct they wouldnt be selling their oil (at least legally) once the sanctions went into effect. They could in theory create a lot of disruption in the Straight of Hormuz it is a narrow choke point and just google the sunburn missle (it is so fast anti missle ordanance and missle cant track it or even lock onto it. That said they tend to bluff a lot and couldnt even really defeat the Iraqi’s when they were at war with them. So in any protracted war they would lose badly. But since my fellow Marines just finished one war and are still in another lets hope all this saber rattling never gets that far. I am a little tired of killing people and breaking things.
Semper Fi Leathernecks from1st Recon

Despite the yahoo toon version of an excitable blond kid next to his comment, Bill hits upon a couple of decent points, i.e., the Gulf of Hormuz is a choke point, the Iranians have missile caches all over the Gulf, and Iran would likely sell their oil anyway.  However, Bill makes the obvious but common mistake of imagining a conventional war with Iran pitted against the US.  This is far from reality.  Iran does not have their guns pointed at the US.  Although it may have a few missiles set aside for military vessels, Saudi Arabia and the rest of the Gulf oil exports must go through the Persian Gulf.  And I’m certainly glad you’re tired of killing people and breaking things, as that can be exhausting.

But that’s not unreasonable, Bill.  Let’s take a look at some other takes on the sabre rattling.  Here’s a lonely voice from Pakistan:

Why Americans do not consider the option of “live and let others live”. High time for war mongering. Please give peace a chance

What a crackpot!  What an asshole!  This guy gets an automatic thumbs down from 2/3rds of the raters for being brown and reasonable.  The balls on those people for wanting a peaceful solution.

So what’s the title for, you ask? This is in response to a question of whether we would feel threatened by Iran doing business in the Gulf of Mexico:

The goats that power their fleet would get tired before they made it into the Atlantic.

Goat powered ships.  Clever.  What do you say, Charles D.?:

iran may last 30 minutes in a contest of wills and power of US5th Fleet!

Impressive, Charles.  Here’s a classic from Steve in Baltimore:

Iran couldn’t find the gulf of mexico.

That’s classic Steve if there ever was classic Steve.  But on the more thoughtfully ignorant tip, a contributor who, appropriately named himself after a Tool album says:

Please Iran…. fire one bullet in the direction of a US Carrier. Your entire Military would be destroyed before you had the chance to say “ATTACK” Facts here real quick… Iranian Military 2011 Budget 8 Billion dollars, USA Military Budget for 2011 800 Billion dollars…… you guys absolutely sure this is the path you want to travel down???

Your ENTIRE navel personnel force could fit on just ONE US Aircraft carrier. Your “Long Range” Missles can fly 200km’s oooohhhh?…. ours can circle the globe. You are persuing Nuclear weapons technology??? We got it buddy and apparently we are not afraid to use it, so keep talking….. Fire a round in the direction of a US Carrier…. I dare you!!!

Yea, I get it.  We have more and bigger guns than you.  But you’re still not doing the math.  We will pay a collective price the likes of which will make the Iraq calamity look like an overpriced haircut.  The conventional stage of an Iranian conflict will be the shortest and least painful, followed by decades of casualties, asymmetrical warfare, deepening hostilities to all Americans abroad.  Domestically, brown-outs would be commonplace, and depreciating dollars as well as stagnant wages would create the dreadedstagflation beast while massive deficits would leave a permanently crippled America in its wake.  Also, don’t dare people to shoot you.

Here’s Mike from Maryland:

We need to move the entire 5th fleet into the straite right now and park it there. Wait till Iran does something stupid and then level the entire country.

Mike gets an automatic 161/37 in favor of his war grimace.  It’s telling that, just at a glance, a good chunk of the pro-war comments come from the mid-Eastern seaboard, i.e., MD, VA, NC, PA.  Lots of military contractors based around there for obvious reasons.  Just my imagination?  O.k.  At any rate, Mike’s sentiments do not fall on insensitive tympanums.  Americans LOVE to brag about how our military will bomb your wedding party if you get uppity or too independent.  They don’t phrase it that way, but the meaning remains nonetheless.   What happens when people don’t agree wholeheartedly with more shock and awesome civilian casualties?

Here’s Inge Wagner of Los Angeles, CA:

When we do find another reason to go to War in Iran, I hope all of you will volunteer and sign up…Defending “our freedom”

As a testament to rationality in the age of free information, they voted her positively...as a man known only as “Mustang” speaks for millions of us:

First we’re gonna send all the whiny little protesters over…so they can get a taste of what it means to be American! You know…fight for your country…protect your homeland…contribute to the betterment of the USA!
And yea…I’d go…I have no problem knocking off people who annoy me…and to be honest…Iranians annoy me!

Yes, Iranians annoy Mustang.  That’s why we should invade them.  More importantly, we (not sure who exactly) are going to round up the peaceful protestors (who probably make shitty soldiers), and let them shoot innocent civilian (because who could be more threatening?) and teach them a lesson about what it means to be American.  Crazy plan.  It’s so crazy it JUST MIGHT WORK!  And my favorite, Sam, from Westminster, MD:

these people cant fight they just run there mouths and bomb innocent people or join a terrorist group they don’t fight like men because they don’t know how and don’t have the guts.

It’s true Iran funds Hezbollah and Hamas, but not sure the last time a Persian strapped a bomb on in the name of Allah.  More to the point, it’s ballsy of you to criticize how cowardly it is to commit suicide for a cause when we drop bombs the comfort of a pressurized cockpit 20,000 ft in the air.  When having guts means having better machines…  I guess it’s more “gutsy” to shoot a boxer in the face with a .40 cal than to box him, eh?

There isn’t enough time in my workday to lay bare the irony of that last one, but speculators take note that this may be a good time to buy some future call options on crude.  As a speculator of American ignorance, it appears we are heading into another phase of the Great American Imperial Collapse.